literally for 8 years am lost, unexplained feelings. literally i cant explain to anyone what i go through or what i feel. i was broken since i was 7. my parents decided to divorce and thought it wont affect but till today it is affecting me. other reason is that i didn’t feel bad or upset, i didn’t give myself the right to feel bad and all i said was ‘its okay’. i dont understand the reason of me saying ‘its okay’ for everything happens to me i say ‘its okay’ and inside of me its not. maybe because i just want to live forgiving people and pretend that i am forgiving them and am not. i decided to forgive my parents and everyone who hurt me and yet i feel am lost and i am not in my comfort zone. i thought of immigrating because am not okai, am not who i am not in my country not in my home not anywhere. i lost the feeling of trust, comfort, secure and love. i lost my passion towards everything around me. something inside of stopped feeling. stopped caring and stopped talking. a lot of people i loved and cared for broke me but i forgave them to love myself again and move on. but again, am lost. for some reason, i choose to be alone and i choose to be away not because i dont want help but the only word that am listening to is ‘الله يعينج ماندري شنقولج ميخالف تعدي’

i know god is there and i never stopped believing in god nor praying but i just cant, i cant feel like how i used to be. i wish i can scream, break and just feel again. i cant believe anyone when they promise or tell me something i cant feel what they tell me because everything in me is literally lost. yet, i sleep and wake up and say ‘الحمدلله’ because am grateful although all of these ups and downs. it took so long but i have big hopes that i will have a great life one day. i thought of suicide many times and still i curse myself because i dont deserve this i dont deserve to live like this. am not looking for sympathy nor attention, am looking for comfort. people say ‘ you’re the only one whos able to help yourself’ but my capability and my energy literally is 0%. i am starting with a coach & a therapist next month because i need them more than anything, most importantly i need myself, i miss myself, i miss who i was. i wish i can go to age 20 to stop a lot of decisions that were taken.

please people out there, if you find anyone feeling bad, upset, angry, depressed, frustrated, they need help. dont let them sleep upset, one word can change their whole day and make them feel better. i know we all have our problems but those people who suffer they need you to give them a chance to feel and handle them. they cant handle themselves and they need support. i kindly request whoever reads this just pray for me.