30 days ago, began the first day of the rest of my life. On the 17th of February 2022, you decided to close your eyes for one last time, ending with it 32 years of love. I remember the day you were born, I went with my auntie Sadeeqa to Al Salam Hospital, ironically the same place where you were diagnosed with that tumor, that evil thing that mutated, spread and took over your body.

We came the next day on the 9th, Mama was lying on bed smiling, the room had a funny smell, not the one you usually smell in hospital rooms but something else, I still can’t pin point what it was. Baba was away as usual. I didn’t realize what feeling alone meant that day, but as the days went by, and I recall that particular day, I can see loneliness on mama’s face; Even though everybody was there, you could tell she felt alone, she wanted dad to be there, but he was nowhere to be found, probably in Morocco, London or somewhere else, just not Bnaid Al Gar. She was ecstatic about you tho, but still, you could tell, she was missing baba. We grew up, both realized what she was going through, we both knew what that feeling was, I never wanted her to feel like that ever again, I promised myself that I would always be there, for her, for anyone close to me for that matter.

Edit: My father was actually in Kuwait, just not in Bnaid Al Gar that day, I’m sorry baba, I just confirmed it with my mom and aunts, he didn’t come to the hospital that day.

I guess remembering this particular story now, today, made no sense to me, until baba’s face popped right in front of me, seeing him with that blank gaze that day. Actually we all had that look on our faces on the 17th of Feb Aya, Baba Maryam and especially Mama, we all felt alone even though we were surrounded by everybody. Family, friends, people we barely know and those who we don’t even know.

4:43 am as we started gathering our thoughts together, my aunts and uncles started arriving to the hospital with faces drowned with tears. I sat down outside Badriya Al Ahmed Cancer Center, on the curb and I tweeted, ماتت اختي اية, as I wrote those three words I felt that my old life has ended right there, those three words were the beginning of my new life, a life without you Aya.

They say that a day of joy feels like 15 minutes, and a day of pain feels like 15 years; I’ll leave the math to you, it’s been 30 days now, and I know that the coming days aren’t going to be a breeze either. But I promise you this galbi, I will keep on writing about you, remembering you, keeping you alive however I can.

Unfortunately I couldn’t deliver on the promise I made to myself that day, I couldn’t be with you. You even told me you couldn’t do it anymore the day before, I shrugged it off,replying “Iklay tibin Aya, Bashoofich Bacher” or “Shut-up, I’ll see you tomorrow” then left the hospital. Tomorrow never came.

احبچ آية